Darsych

Confessions of a So-called ‘Fuck Up’:

I’ve realized for a while now that I was going to have to ‘come out’ as a ‘damaged’ or a ‘fuck up’ in the eyes of society sooner or later. I have to because the fact that people in my situation and situations worse than mine are shamed by others and ashamed of themselves is something I am strongly against. I can’t in clear conscience oppose this attitude or fully let go of my own denial without being honest about my situation, even if I still haven’t fully worked through all the details or the embarrassment I feel because of it. 

The gist of it:

Even leaving out the long lost of traumatic events I have gone through (through no one’s fault, really),  I can confidently say my whole life was a series of violent ups and downs until late 2010, when I finally managed to bring it all to a screeching halt. Since then I’ve worked hard to improve myself and my circumstances. I’m doing much better now and I’m constantly improving. I have a lovely life, a much better self-image, and a handful of very supportive people. As usual, however, things aren’t as simple as all that.

I still have a sizable inventory of health problems, that make many ordinary tasks a challenge. This means constantly having to chose between my basic needs, because I simply can’t meet all of them. Even things that just used to be enjoyable can take a lot out of me, depending on the day and a lot of other variables. This means I’m constantly having to plan ahead to make sure I have ‘recovery time’ after something as simple as going out for coffee with a friend or getting groceries. Otherwise the experience might totally overwhelm and exhaust me for up to several days, and put me behind on important tasks. As a result I’ve also developed an unfortunate case of agoraphobia that I struggle with every day. 

My worst source of shame by far is definitely choosing not to have a job for the time being, a decision Nick encouraged me to make in favour of having more time and energy to focus on improving my situation. In the past being unable to work put me through one hell of an ordeal and caused a lot of trouble to people close to me. I spent a long time getting to the point where I could work and the satisfaction of being a good employee did a lot for my self-confidence. I know I made the right choice, but trying to explain my unemployment has yet to become any less awkward or excruciating than the first few hundred times since. I dread the question every time I meet someone new. 

I  have a lot left to learn about the condition of my mind and body, and up until a couple years ago I was almost completely in the dark about it. Back then it was just about getting to the next day, I had to (grudgingly) let everything else go.

Now I have the amazingly fortunate chance to really focus on achieving what I want and need, at the top of that list being a healthier lifestyle and a career, something I’ve wanted desperately since I was a kid who loved reading about amazing people doing amazing things. Still, while I’ve made great progress with my practical limitations, they remain current complications. I also have one other problem: I have changed a lot over the years without even noticing. 

I have absolutely no idea what my life is about.

I know this is a common problem for many people, but knowing all the additional complications I’ll have to work through, on top of the usual challenges of any given choice, makes things all the more frustrating. Add to that the fact that I’ve been struggling with denial and carrying this half-secret about myself out of fear of all the social stigma. I’ve had more than my fill of judgment, mockery and intrusive questions about the legitimacy of my life choices, my sanity and my difficulties. 

I think and over-think these things time and time again, and in the end I’m left with only one real choice:

Don’t rush. Don’t stop. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Be reasonable. Be patient.  Stay committed. Stay flexible. Know yourself. Be your best, truest self. Remember to enjoy the ride. 

So I guess, right now, that’s what I’m doing with my life. That’s what my life is about.